only the lonely

Linda wrote into Leroy's blog today and said,
"... makes me think of what a lonely experience cancer can be. We get all of the input about decisions like this, but in the end the decision is ours alone. ..... "

I'm starting to realize how many of us are out there. We had cancer...we have cancer.....even if you think that you are cured you are always wondering if it may return. I was "cured" twice, but that did not last for long. If you take a close look at my records it had most likely metastasized by the time I was originally diagnosed. I try to find a connection with others that are in similar situations, but every new story that I hear sounds worse than mine. I look for hope when I hear that others are NED or even 10 year survivors after stage IV. We can't predict how our cancers will respond to treatments or what new advances may come up. Most often the responsibility is put on us to pick the treatment or to decide to give up on treatments. I find myself avoiding my friends (some don't even know my cancer is back) so we don't have to talk about this. No one has the answers but we are expected to make the decisions. In the end I know that I'm on my own. This is the loneliest that I have ever felt.